HOW TO: INSTA FOOD

Food photos are serious business people. You don't just take a photo. You make art. I didn't get that burger because I was HUNGRY. That was for my ART. But don't worry, I can teach you (but I'll have to charge). Special thanks to Daniela, friend, food stylist and fellow shame-free 'grammer. 

1. There is no room for shame. Will people give you funny looks? Yes. Will people at Als Deli loudly comment and laugh and say "look at those girls taking photos of their burgers!", yes. That's never happened to me though, of course. 

2. If you have to crouch on the floor, YOU CROUCH ON THE FLOOR. Angles are everything people. 

3. If you have to stand on a chair, YOU STAND ON THAT CHAIR. Repeat, angles are everything. 

4. If you need to rearrange the table, and maybe find a prop or two, go ahead!

5. If you're not satisfied with how your table looks or the pattern in the wood is too irregular for good aesthetics, swap tables! That waiter isn't glaring at you! It's the sun! (The sun shinning down from the heavens because you just got the most glorious shot). 

6. Can't decide what to eat? What looks good? And I don't mean what looks good as in what looks good to you and what looks like something you feel like eating. I mean what is going to make the masses salivate? 

7. Picture this, the food just arrived at your table. Your friends are starving and can't wait to dig in. They haven't eaten since BREAKFAST. Karen might even pass out. You do whatever it takes, (WHATEVER it takes), to hold off the wolves until you get that shot. 

8. Is it cold outside? Doesn't matter. Natural lighting is key. The frostbite isn't going to show in the photo. 

9. Gravy drips. Crumbs. Finger prints. Don't want 'em. Forcefully hurl your plate back and demand perfection. Don't make my mistakes, I'm still haunted by the gravy drip of '17 (please refer to photo above). 

10. And the golden rule, 1000 calories? Well that just means 1000 likes. 

So go fourth, and do it for the 'gram. 

PS I hope that unlike my sister (Hi Hannah), you realised this is satire.